Monday, January 31, 2011

Three more Things I’ve Learned Since I’ve Been Unemployed:

1. My catchphrases never catch on.

2. When the college girl next door goes to the 7Eleven in her pajamas people think it’s cute & sexy. When I do it, not so much.

3. My application to become a mid-wife in Palm Beach County will forever be ignored.

Oh, and I need someone to make a poster.

Friday, January 21, 2011

theBigShow

People have been asking about the one man show I’m working on and demanding to know exactly what I’ll be doing. At my readings people have been telling me I should do stand-up but, you know, who wants to do that? How sad would that be? Plus, with stand-up you have to crack people up, and I don’t want that pressure. I guess you could call it a monologue, but even monologues have to be humorous these days, so that’s a stretch. Spoken Word? Too avant-garde for me. Motivational speech? I’d feel like I had to dress up. I had thought about calling it a soliloquy because soliloquies don’t have to be funny as far as I know. I don’t think they even have to make sense. Anyway, when it comes right down to it, I think it will just end up being a confession…with beer.

It’s tentatively titled “I Really Didn’t Want To Have To Do This” because I would only do something like this as a last resort. Plus, if people complain or heckle during the show my catchphrase can be,. “I really didn’t want to have to do this.”

Note: Looking for an 18-seater, if anybody knows a place.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

YesSavingDogsOffRoofs

I was asked about hobbies for an author bio the other day and I initially told the lady “snorkeling,” but immediately regretted it. People will think I live near the beach (I do but its kind of like Compton on the sea) and no one wants to buy a book by someone who lives near the beach. I know I don’t. So I called the woman back and fought to switch my hobby to kayaking because you can kayak anywhere – canals, polluted streams, flood zones. She said “OK” but I have to send a photo of me kayaking. The good news: People will envision me kayaking in flood zones, saving dogs off roofs, etc. Bad news: I just priced kayaks and they’re like 600 bucks!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

LouisCKIsInTown

People saying Louis C.K. must play part of Jeffrey in movie of Nothing Happens Until It Happens ToYou. Start the campaign!

And someone needs to tell Louis

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

ComingDownToAMoreModestPosition

"This brings to mind a fellow who once came to me to ask for an appointment as minister abroad. Finding he could not get that, he came down to some more modest position. Finally he asked to be made a tide-waiter. When he saw he could not get that, he asked for an old pair of trousers. But it is well to be humble."

 - Lincoln, on getting hit up for a job

Monday, December 27, 2010

Accutire

I only got one thing for xmas but it’s a beauty – The Accutire Escape Hammer & Tire Gauge. There’s a part in the book where the main character goes to his Toyota dealer where he is signed up for the” Tires For Life” guarantee. The deal is if you go to the dealer for all your oil changes you get your tires replaced for life. Of course, it’s based on a true experience I had at Earl Hindell Toyota when my tires were worn down and I needed to have them replaced. Here’s a little excerpt:

  “Oh,” Earl Hindell says, “we can’t honor the Tires For Life guarantee because it’s obvious your tires were under inflated.”
  “That can’t be,” I say. “There’ a light that goes on and beeps when the tires in my car are under inflated and I always fill them up immediately.’
  “That only goes off when the tires are grossly under-inflated,” he says.
The use of the word grossly isn’t lost on me, and a small riot is breaking out in my brain. “What!? So this must happen all the time to customers.”
  “This is actually very rare.”
  “How often are you supposed to check your inflation?”
  “We recommend every two weeks.”
  “So this is rare. So I’m the anomaly. Everybody else is running around checking their tires every 14 days but me. The whole busy, crazy world out there is keeping a sharp eye on their tires. They’re twittering in one hand and gauging tire pressure with the other (“hey everybody my tire pressure was a perfect 35 lbs. today.” How many characters is that? ) Where are they filling these under-inflated tires up? Because I passed 200 gas stations on the way here and not one had someone kneeling down putting in air. Half of them don’t even have the hoses attached.”
  “By the way, you should have been given a free pressure gauge when you signed up for the program,” Earl says.
  “Well, I wasn’t. Are you telling me I’m the only one with this problem? I just want my tires for free. You can’t be messing with people like this - guaranteeing a product for life. You know what that means these days – to be guaranteed something for life in a time when a man may never get another paycheck …”

Anyway, the situation deteriorated from there but this new gadget almost makes up for it. It’s all digital and the metal safety hammer tip on the back of the gauge is for smashing out the window when you roll over into canals (I was driving around this morning looking for canals to roll over into) and as a bonus there’s a razor sharp blade attached to the side that can be used to slash your seat belt. Not quite sure exactly why that’s necessary other than I have heard the first thing you do when you roll over into a murky canal and can’t tell which side is up is release your seat belt. If you fall and hit your head on the roof you’re upside down or... I think, yeah, no, that’s right. Right? Anyway, best present ever.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Everybody

"I love everybody, especially you." - Lyle Lovett

Hey, have yourselves a happy little holiday. Peace & Joy (for at least a day or so), Terry

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

YuletideVampires

IN the morning I get depressed at the sight of all these inflatable snowmen and Santas, deflated and lying on lawns like the skins of dead animals. They’re Yuletide vampires. In the light of day, they shrivel up and die.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

GingerbreadMenArePerverted

Went to the bakery this morning to get some holiday cookies but all they had were gingerbread men. The counter lady, Marguerite, saw me make a face and said, “What, you don’t like gingerbread?” It’s not that, it’s just…there’s something perverted about gingerbread men. The way they lie there with their legs and arms sticking out. I mean, I know a lot of cookies don’t wear pants, but there’s just something creepier about gingerbread men. They paint buttons on some of them, but it only seems to make them even more perverted, like they’re trying to disguise how perverted they are, like clowns do.

Anyway, I didn’t get into all of that with Marguerite. I just said, “I’ll have a salty bagel.”

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

BabyItsColdInside

I love the way women dress when it’s freezing. I wish they’d dress for the cold even when it’s 85 degrees. I want more woolly scarves, more leggings, mittens, fake fur, turtlenecks and bulky sweaters. You can tell a lot about a woman by how she dresses for the cold.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Bed, Bath & Muhl

Had to clear my head after taking two hour test this morning for shift manager position at Bed, Bath & Beyond. Went home and listened to nine Tiny Desk Concerts in a row. I think I would like Sean Lennon&Charlotte Kemp Muhl to sit on the end of my bed and sweetly sing me to sleep every night. Oh, check out Buk and Guss "Revel in Contempt." Never seen the NPR office come so alive.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Nah, I love riding the train...

"I told them I'm very thankful for the opportunity. But right now, being that it would be for just a couple weeks, I feel that I'd rather stay with a secure company and job, somewhere I know I could have long-term employment." - Keith Fitzhugh, after passing on the chance to sign a late season free-agent contract with the New York Jets.

He decided to stick with his job as a conductor for the Norfolk Southern Railroad. Forget glory, solid benefits and a steady income are the ticket. “Being unemployed is not a good feeling. It's a lonely feeling. I'd rather be somewhere safe and have a great foundation."

“I love riding the train," he added. Man, he’s got it together.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

182Pages

People keep telling me I need to constantly “tweak” my resume but it’s up to 182 pages now. Last week I added East Dillon High (i sent away for one of the hats like coach taylor wears in case anyone ever asks for proof) to my education and this morning I pasted this in to my work experience:


  "What I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you."

Might go back and tweak that last part but I think I’ll put it up top so the perspective employer will have Liam Neeson’s voice in their head the entire time they’re reading my resume. Or at least for the first 100 pages or so.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

KauEnvy

I was teamed up with author Skip “THE EDEN HUNTER” Horack at a recent book fest. At first I thought they had put us on the same panel because of our mutual admiration for the Avett Brothers, Chick-fil-A and Amanda Peet but I’ve been reading his book and now see how similar our recent work is. His historic novel illustrates the struggles of Kau, an ancient pygmy tribesman, deep in Florida’s wilderness and my main character, Jeffrey, depicts the trials and tribulations and near drowning of the unemployed man in Florida’s suburbia. One thing that dawned on me is that 60 pages in you just know the pygmy is going to conquer the odds against him but 60 in with my guy… Jesus. I wish Jeffrey could be more like Kau.
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